


Gone

by dragonwings948



Series: Wonderland [7]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apologies, Audio 033: Neverland, Audio 052: Scherzo, Audio 103: The Girl Who Never Was, Cutesy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Love, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post Audio 103: The Girl Who Never Was, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:52:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25659277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonwings948/pseuds/dragonwings948
Summary: The Doctor and Charley finally get a chance to talk about the events of Neverland/Zagreus/Scherzo. | The Doctor and Charley search for meaning in a world where they no longer have each other.
Relationships: Eighth Doctor & Charley Pollard, Eighth Doctor/Charley Pollard
Series: Wonderland [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814560
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> *deep breath*
> 
> All I can say is: I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

_I reached for you but you were gone_

_I knew I had to go back home_

_You search the world for something else_

_To make you feel like what we had_

_And in the end in Wonderland_

_We both went_ **_mad_ **

**Then…**

Charley was relieved to find that things outside the glass were a lot more familiar than their previous prison, though not very promising. All she could see was a desolate, barren landscape. The smell of scorched earth filled the air. The wind blew gently past her ears. She could taste a strange tang in the air.

And she felt the Doctor slip his hand from hers.

She could tell the action wasn’t really deliberate, but it still made Charley’s heart sink. After everything they had just been through…

But Charley thought past his recent flowery words, the soft _“I need you.”_ She recalled how aloof—cruel, even—he had acted towards her. She’d thought that maybe he’d meant the things he’d said only moments ago, that he’d taken her warning to heart about saying “I love you.”

But maybe not.

_“I’m not sure that I don’t wish…I’d never met you at all.”_

The words resounded in her head, hurting her just as badly as they had when they’d first been uttered. Though he had explained to her why he’d been so upset, she still didn’t understand how he could be that callous. He hadn’t even attempted any sort of apology.

Then it occurred to Charley… Yes, they had exchanged verbal jabs in the glass tube, but they hadn’t really _talked_ since the time lords had gotten involved, since the Divergent Universe altogether. The thought made her head spin. Could so much have really happened since they’d had a good chat?

Memories came roaring back, feelings she wanted to share with the Doctor, things they hadn’t spoken about.

“Charley?”

The Doctor’s voice pulled her back to reality. He turned his head to cast a concerned look in her direction. “Are you all right?”

Charley blinked. She hardly knew. It all wanted to spill out at once: Zagreus, fear, the time lords, pain, anti-time, hurt, the TARDIS, betrayal…

The Doctor’s eyebrows furrowed together. “You look exhausted.” He stopped in his tracks and looked to his right, where the terrain grew a little rockier. “Come over here, Charley. We can rest for a while in the shade.”

She followed him over to a group of rocks, one of them rather tall and looming so large that it cast the perfect shadow for them to sit in. She plunked herself down on the ground immediately. The word “exhausted” seemed to have been like a trigger reminding her of how tired she really was. Her eyelids felt heavy.

 _No,_ she reminded herself. She needed to talk to the Doctor, and she needed to do it now, before they got caught up in something else.

She forced herself to keep her eyes open and meet the Doctor’s gaze. He sat across from her, leaning against a shorter rock but still within the shadow of the bigger one.

“You really should rest,” he said. “You’ve been through quite a lot.”

“So have you.”

“I don’t need sleep.”

Charley had heard the excuse before, but as he blinked rapidly a few times she could see the weariness in his eyes. She tried to keep her thoughts on track, to try and find out where to begin, when the words slipped from her tongue:

“You didn’t kill me on the time station.”

The Doctor’sexpression darkened. He held her gaze, but it took him a moment to respond. “Do you expect me to apologise for that?” Before she could reply, he continued. “There’s always a better way, Charley. I don’t believe that killing is ever the answer, especially when it comes to people that I—”

She watched him pause, struggle with the words.

“Doctor?”

His expression softened and he let out a silent sigh. “People that I love, Charley. I could never hurt you.”

She wanted to laugh bitterly. Zagreus had slapped her. Toyed with her. Then the Doctor had done nothing but hurt her with his words once he’d come back.

“Well it’s a bit too late for that.”

His eyes widened with shock. “Charley, is this about Zagreus? I’m sorry—”

“No. This is about you. You don’t know what it’s like watching you turn into something twisted and evil, and then— And then I had to—”

The grief struck her all over again. The horror. The pain. The feeling of the blade plunging into the Doctor’s body. His final look at her, his last breath wheezing out. It all forced itself out of her as her voice pitched higher.

“If there’s always another way, then why did I have to—” She stopped as the words were caught in her throat. She still couldn’t say it, still couldn’t admit that she had done it. The sight of him with the knife in his chest was burned into her memory, something she would never forget.

“Charley…” The Doctor’s voice was so gentle, as if her name might break when he said it.

“It was like a miracle when you came back,” she continued, pulling herself together. “But then all you did was push me away.” She balled her hands into fists, concentrating on keeping her voice steady. “You said you wished you’d never met me. Like everything we’ve been through hasn’t meant anything to you. All that time I _fought_ for you, even when you weren’t you, and then…” She struggled to find the right words. It was impossible to express her hurt, especially when she knew he wouldn’t understand.

“Sometimes,” she huffed with a bitter laugh, “I just feel like the entire universe has gone completely mad.”

“Oh, you can’t help that.” The Doctor’s eyes roamed around the ruinous landscape they had found themselves in. “We’re all mad here. I’m mad, you’re mad…”

Despite the emotions raging inside of her, Charley’s lips twitched into an almost-smile at the sound of the familiar words. “How do you know I’m mad?” she asked, remembering the lines perfectly from all the times she had quoted them as a child.

The Doctor smiled in response before he finished, “You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Charley actually found herself laughing. She couldn’t deny how well the words matched her situation. She’d been mad enough to sacrifice everything for the Doctor.

“But I’ll tell you something, Charley.” The Doctor turned around and sat next to her, pressing up close so he could lean his back against the rock. “I’ve found that all the best people are just a little bit mad.”

Charley’s anger and anxiety ebbed. She realised that the Doctor had started quoting Lewis Carroll to calm her down.

“Would it help if I said I was sorry?” the Doctor asked quietly.

“No.” Charley bit her lip and looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. “Say you forgive me.” She paused, letting the words sit between them. “But only if you really mean it.” She met his eyes. “I didn’t come here to negate your sacrifice, you know. I came here so you wouldn’t be alone.”

The Doctor frowned, his eyes focused on the ground. “I know.” He barked a short laugh and smiled just for a brief moment. “I came here for you, and you came here for me.”

“Yes,” Charley said, laughing at the irony, “that about sums it up.”

“I didn’t realise it before our minds melded together. But then I saw…everything.” He looked at her with passion and determination in his eyes as his fingers wrapped around hers. “I understand better than you think, Charley. I know that I was wrong to treat you that way. I’m _glad_ to have met you,” he said as a joyful smile broke out on his face. “No one could replace you, Charley. You, Charlotte Pollard, are an amazing, brave, _extraordinary_ Edwardian adventuress…”

“Laying it on a bit thick now,” Charley said with a chuckle, though really her heart was warmed by his enthusiastic compliments.

“…and I forgive you, always.” His hand squeezed hers. In his eyes she thought she read the words that he couldn’t quite bring himself to say: _“Because I love you.”_

He continued on after a moment. “And I am sorry for everything that’s happened. I never wanted you to be involved in all of this.”

Charley froze as his fingers caressed her cheek. She felt like she could hardly even breathe.

“I’m sorry that Zagreus slapped you,” he said softly. “I’m sorry you had to see me in such a way. And…I’m sorry that I asked you to kill me.”

Charley swallowed hard. She lifted her free hand to gently grasp his arm, reminding herself: _It’s okay, he’s alive…_

“Charley, _I’m_ the one who needs to ask for forgiveness.”

She looked into his eyes, so troubled and sincere. She remembered what it had been like to become part of him, to see the way he lived every single day. No one else could do what he did. But after all of the lives he had saved, all of the evil he had defeated, and all the mistakes he had made, there was still a question in his eyes:

_Am I a good man?_

Charley leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, just for a brief moment. “Yes,” she whispered, watching him blink with surprise, hearing his breath catch. “I forgive you, because I love you.”

Relief flooded his expression. He drew so close again that their noses nearly touched. “Then you, Miss Pollard, really should rest.”

Thunder rumbled in the distance, as if it had waited for him to utter those very words.

“Because we have a whole new universe to explore.”

Charley grinned, resisting the urge to kiss him again. She really did need to sleep, especially if there was a storm coming. She cuddled up against his side, hooking her arm through his. “Wake me up in a bit. You need your sleep, too.” She finally allowed her eyes to close as she leaned her head on his shoulder.

He didn’t answer, but simply placed a gentle kiss to her hair. And, of course, he let her sleep until the rain came.

* * *

**Now…**

Charley looked out at the waves. She breathed in the salty air but still didn't find herself able to appreciate the scenery.

The Doctor was dead.

She took a deep breath to calm herself. It was a truth she'd have to live with.

The Doctor was dead. She'd never see him again.

Tears welled up in her eyes. She blinked and let them trail down her cheeks. It wasn't like there was anyone to see her cry, anyway.

He'd always been by her side. Even if he hadn't known how to comfort her, he'd been there, with his bouncy curls and his smiling face which was so often too enthusiastic.

Now…

Nothing would ever be the same again.

\--------

The Doctor stood at the console for a moment, unsure of what to do.

 _Unsure._ He was _always_ sure. He always knew exactly what to do.

Why did he feel so lost without her?

With an aggravated yell, he turned and kicked one of the metal arches. It felt good. It also felt painful.

 _Pain._ What did physical pain matter when there was a fresh wound inside he wasn't sure could ever be mended? He'd go on, he'd see new places, meet new people, but always that pain would remain.

 _Charley_ would remain.


End file.
